The Past Should Stay the Past

The past should stay in the past. Easier said than said done. I had a problem with this for a long time. I didn’t know how to forgive myself for the things I had done. I was saved, I knew Jesus and still, I had such a guilt of who I had been. I wasn’t free.

I worked as a bar tender in the small town I grew up in. I was not a nice person. I was selfish. I had an upbringing much like others that was lacking in self confidence, a good self image and knowing how important and loved I was. I developed such a bad attitude. I didn’t feel loved so if you hurt me, I would hurt you back. But worse. I was manipulative. I had a lot of pain and anger that I didn’t and wouldn’t deal with. I buried a lot of my emotions. I always felt alone even in a room full of people. I was hurting.  There were many times I wanted to commit suicide. I hated everything about myself. I got to the point where I would just drink alcohol to get through the day, because who cared about me, right? I was a nobody with a lot of somebody’s in my life. Sure people liked me, but no one was there for me.

I can still remember the night I finally let go and gave my life to Jesus. I lived in Connecticut. Even though it was April, it was still snowing. I can still see the way the snow sparkled in the street lights that night. I can still hear the sound of the metal of my car crushing in to that tree. It was 2am. I remember that I was going 40mph on a back road that I knew like the back of my hand. It was snowing pretty streadily. But I was 18 and I knew everything. I was invincible. And even if I wasn’t I didn’t care. My music was loud, I had my two best friends in the car. I didn’t see the stop sign. When I finally realized what happened, it was too late. No air bags went off. I had such an adrenaline rush from the crash that I had no idea what had just happened. I looked around. It was completely silent. I could hear every snow flake hitting the ground. My friends were yelling to me to see if I was ok, but I couldn’t hear their voices. Just the snow hitting the ground. When reality finally set in I started to panic. I was so afraid. I called one person who I thought could help me. One person you would think would go to the end of the earth to make sure you are ok. (I’m not going to mention who). When I explained what happened, their response was, “Well, you shouldn’t be doing what you have been doing. You’re on your own”and hung up. I was crushed. Devastated. I felt betrayed. I felt incredibly and completely alone.

At that exact moment, the lowest, loneliest, darkest moment of my life, I realized I had no one. I have never felt so empty. My heart felt like it had been ripped out. I got down on my knees in the middle of the street, in the 5 inches of snow, and started to yell at God, “Why!? Why doesn’t anyone love me? Why don’t YOU love me!? Why am I even alive?” I was crying so hard I thought my chest was going to explode. My face was in the snow. And without reason, I stopped. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling I had next. It was like God Himself spoke directly to my soul. The best words that I can use to describe this are, that He put on my heart that, ‘no one will ever love you as much as I do. Only I can fill that hole, that emptiness, that loneliness, that gut wrenching feeling of not being part of this world. I can take all these feelings from you and fill you with love, hope and true happiness. I have a great purpose for your life.” I gave in to Him. I yelled in to the cold air, ‘I get it! I get it! God I’m sorry.’

How sorry I was. I was so overwhelmed all over again. I had hurt a lot of people. I didn’t deserve any good. Now, before I go on, I just want to be clear that God did NOT purposely have me crash my car. I made decisions on my own that lead to that outcome. He only used the situation that I created to get my attention. And He definitely got my attention. I needed Him the whole time and I pushed Him away. I was also very rebellious, no one could tell me anything. I had to find out on my own. And I sure did.

I gave my life to God at my lowest point because He was there. He understood me. He saw me as an irreplaceable person. I was important to Him. So important that He kept me alive on many occasions that I shouldn’t have been. I didn’t deserve to live. But He saw past who I was, He saw my future. He saw what I would become.

He left my past, in the past.

We are so hard on ourselves. God forgives every single bad thing we do. Big and small. He forgives and never brings any of them back up again. We bring them backup because of guilt. We do not have to feel guilty of who we were, or who we can be. Jesus is bigger than our issues. He knew what He was getting when He called us- and He STILL loves us. Forgives us. Blesses us.

You are not your past. I am not my past. The old me died that night and God began to bring to life who I was created to be. We aren’t waiting for God, He’s waiting for us. There is never a wrong time to go to Him. You are good enough right now, whether you are at your lowest or your highest point in your life, He wants you as you are. He loves you as you are.

Your past is behind you so you can look forward at God.

”Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14

That Scripture says it all. Everything that I have come to learn and continue to learn. Keep pressing forward, God is with you every step of your journey.